Let's Go Out to Eat!

Ever tried to go out to eat in Central Asia!!?? I think I'm quite ready for another adventure!

Let's start by saying there are cafe's! Loads of them! Like every other Soviet social and economic structure, there are far, far too many to sustain any of them very well. At the bazaar, the powers that were/be told everyone that they must sell all the same products in the same area or street or district or whatever. So, you go up one row, and you will find ALL the sellers that carry gum and cigarettes. The next aisle over will be car parts. And if you want to buy construction materials you have ONE choice of location; they are ALL on the same street. Convenient? NO! Good for the seller? NO! Communism at is "best".

Cafe's are no different. There are too many, and too regulated. Still.

So, you walk into a cafe' and what is the first thing they do? The waiter hands you a menu. This is quite possibly the biggest joke in the history of all mankind. Seriously, like do they really think that the menu is useful at all. Here's a sample conversation that we have had about 4 million times until we became wiser. It wavered very little- and was often verbatim:

Waiter: What will you eat?
Customer: Ummm... I'll have the XXX
Waiter: OK (leaves for about 15 minutes)
Waiter returns: We don't have that today.
Customer: OK, them bring me a YYY
Waiter: We don' t have that either.
Customer: Do you have ZZZ?
Waiter: I don't think so.
Customer: OK, WHAT DO YOU HAVE!!!!???
Waiter: We have ZZZ or XYZ.
Customer: Anything else?
Waiter: No.
Customer: OK, then bring me the ZZZ

(Sorry, this is starting to look like a genetics lesson, isn't it?)

Do you want anything to drink? Yeah, if it's cold. It's cold. Right, then bring me a Coke.

Ummm... excuse me. This isn't cold. Yes, it is. No, it's really not.

Finally we've ordered, and our food is on the way.

Waiter returns again: Sorry, we just ran out of ZZZ. You can have XYZ.
Customer: Fine, just bring it!

Here's the deal. If you've ordered fries, they will come out first, and cold, soggy and greasy. When you've choked down your fries, you will get your main dish. Sometimes, it will actually be cow hair free, which is always a bonus in my book. If there are no cow hairs, you might get lucky and have meat without the tendons attached.

The Coke has finally arrived. It indeed is NOT cold, and is too late to wash down whatever mystery pieces of this or that that were in your bowl. You are thirsty.

Did you know it actually might be a Federal crime around here to not order and pay 10 times too much for a bowl of dry, stale bread. Yup, it's that important around here.

Tip #4. Don't EVER leave your napkin on the table used once. By the way, they still practice the Soviet method of frugality, by cutting (yes, they actually hire someone to do this) the paper napkins in half! You can't even wipe your pinky with it, it's so small. Don't ever leave it on the table, they will take it away faster than a town hall meeting about the Healthcare Plan turns sour!

You know that kind of waiter that is intrusive?? Always hovering?? They love that here. We have to forcefully, and semi-rudely tell the waiters here to STOP pouring our drinks everytime we take 1 sip! I hate that! I can pour my own Coke- GO AWAY!

Okay, time to pay the bill... "Yes, honey, they DID just charge you $2 for a basket of stale, dry bread." "How much does bread cost at home?" "Oh, about 15 cents." "We're never going out to eat again." "Okay." "Hey, what does the menu say XYZ cost?" "Ummm... 250 tenge" "Then why does it say 450 tenge?" "Cuz they are ripping you off again."

After much animated, "Oh, we are very sorry!", the bill is fixed, and we pay. OOps! Don't have the right change. Waiter returns in about 20 minutes after having gone to the store next door to get change. He probably had a cup of tea while there. But lo and behold, they didn't have the right change afterall, so they will short change us about the same amount as the overcharge of XYZ. So, it all comes out in the end for us and them. NOT!

Long story short, we go out to eat VERY, VERY rarely. My food tastes better, everyone pours their own Coke, we get whole napkins, and we pay 15 cents for fresh bread.